Growing up my brother (Tank) would give me “fighting lessons”. In all actuality I was his personal punching bag for years. I was a tomboy back then, so slap boxing and DDTs, amongst other 80’s baby shenanigans, was right up my alley. There were those times when he forgot that no matter how resilient I may have been, I was still a girl AND HIS LITTLE SISTER and was a little too damn rough. I often (jokingly…kinda) say that my brother “beat me up” so that no one else ever could. He taught me how to hold my own. There are a lot of things that my brother taught me growing up, but one thing that has alway stuck throughout the years are these very words.
“Never allow yourself to get backed into a corner. You’re stuck and your opponent has the upper hand.”
On the other side of that, he also told me this.
“If you ever find yourself backed into a corner, give it all you’ve got. Fight!”
“All my life I’ve had to fight!” lol But really though. Much of my life, i’ve fought for not only myself but for everyone around me. At times my impulse to protect and defend has gotten me in some less than favorable predicaments and I’d like to think I’ve learned from those times. I’ve fought physically and mentally. There were times when I felt my back was against the wall. I felt life had backed me into a corner and each time I fought. I fought hard and sometimes long, but I’ve always made it out of those places. I’ve been able to help others out of their “places” as well.
Lately, I haven’t been in a good space. I guess you can say that I have been going through it. I have been stressed and full of anxiety. Shit, frankly, I’ve been sad. I feel lost and just… down. Not looking for or accepting any pity parties or sympathy of any type. It’s life and this too shall pass. I’m built Ford tough! However, even F-350’s require maintenance.
I feel that I’ve been slowly backed into a corner that I am now having to fight to get myself out of. My opponent is surprisingly myself. My natural impulse to be “SUPER WOMAN” is taking a toll on me. I have gotten 4 texts today and they all were from someone needing me. I have gotten AT LEAST 2 phone calls in the past week with someone needing me. In the past month… who knows. What I do know is that I can’t be everything for everyone. I also know that RIGHT NOW I need all of me to remove me from this space. I have never had an issue being there for anyone especially those I love and care the most for. I am just realizing that I am in need. I need a moment to be as selfish as people often times are with me. With the exception of a few (you know who you are), no one calls me to ask, “How are you?” It is always assumed that I am ok and being a private person I wouldn’t volunteer anything less that “I’m good.” I’m constantly taking on other people’s loads and adding it on to my already very full load. Every time I show up for someone, I am pushing myself further and further in that corner. I just need to allow myself to be there for… ME. So I apologize in advance…. No. I don’t. I’m giving an advance warning.
I am taking some personal time for myself. During this time, I won’t be answering many calls and or texts. No worries, I won’t be completely off the grid. I will still blog, take photos, create cool things and post to my social media as I do these things FOR ME. As my brother said, I have to give it all that I have.” What does that mean for me? It means that I can not take on anyone else’s shit fights at this time in my life.
***If this entry has raised concern for anyone in reading this, understand that there is no cause for concern. If I were to keep going as I have been, there would then be a need for concern.***
I AM EBONY 